Got a teenager at home? Betcha ten bucks you all are on the struggle bus. Anxiety. Mood swings. Defiance. Lack of motivation. And betcha ten more you’ve tried everything, it’s all expensive, and none of it works. Am I winning the bet? If yes, I have the fix for what ails you both. You don’t have to leave your sofa to get it, and it’s 100% free.
All you have to do is…listen. Listen like a youth life coach.
Let’s start with the biopsychosocial reasons for why listening is a magical elixir. Feeling connected is a basic need for humans. According to Dr. Leah Mazzola, psychology PhD and life coach for teens, “We’re social animals. We’re wired for social connection to collaborate and cooperate, to survive and thrive.”
Imagining our earliest ancestors, this makes sense. The stronger one’s social circle, the more resources one had access to. Sample dialogue: “I’ll get the water; you get the food. My brother will gather the sticks and your sister can build the fire.”
Right. So what does listening have to do with gathering sticks? It doesn’t, exactly. It has to do with gluing you to me socially, so I’m the one with whom you want to share your sticks.
When I truly tune in to what you’re saying, you feel validated. You feel—basic need alert—loved. Those good feelings draw you back to me for more of the same. If you’re a parent reading this article, I’ve got another ten-spot saying you’d like your kid to be drawn to you, rather than repelled by you.
Teens have a lot of options for from whom, or how, they’ll get their good feelings. They also have a biological pull away from their parents and toward their peers as they mature into autonomy. The well-trained teen coach understands these realities, meeting kids’ needs with non-directive, non-judgmental listening. Which is why so many Gen Zers seek out a teen coach. And which is wherein the magic lies.
“A non-judgmental approach is needed so much more in this developmentally vulnerable stage [of adolescence],” says Dr. Mazzola. “The non-judgmental ear can make the difference between whether or not they reach out for help when they’re struggling; whether they get the support and guidance they really need when engaging in risky behaviors.” Communicating with a teen in a non-directive way—allowing them to determine their own best options—taps into their developmental craving for autonomy.
Great, great. But how does one do this non-directive, non-judgmental listening? Good question. By which I mean exactly that: ask good questions. And shut your own opinions and judgments off as you listen to their answers. Here’s your plan.
Start with a mea culpa
Teens spend much of their time being told what, how and when to do things. If they fail to meet adult expectations, it’s made clear they’re doing life wrong. Counter that narrative with a humble, self-reflective statement. Own your part and state that you’d like to interact with them differently. Let’s do this Mad Libs style. Fill in the blanks with your particulars: “I’ve realized I’ve been ______. I’m trying to learn a new way to _____.” Your kid will look at you with open-faced hope and awe. On this, I’ll bet a twenty.
Ask them what they need
Here’s the adolescent catnip: seek to understand what they crave. Do so not by assuming they want the same thing you did as a teen, or by trusting the words of some expert on Medium. Do so by asking them open questions—questions with blank spaces at the end, instead of suggestions.
Closed questions: “Do you want me to quit boot camp to spend more time with you? Do you need to see a counselor?”
Open questions: “Are there things I do that you wish I wouldn’t? How can I best support you?”
Show you care, but don’t need to control
Make clear that while you want to hear their thoughts and feelings, you’re not trying to invade their privacy or steer their decisions. That open question trick invites your teen to share however much, or little, they choose.
Check this out:
“But I thought you loved cheerleading!”
“How are you feeling about cheerleading these days?”
“You know you’re not allowed to go to parties where there won’t be any parents.”
“Is this party an extra-big thing somehow?”
“Why do you have a D in AP World History?!”
“Can you help me understand what goes on with AP World History?”
Listening to your teen with no judgment, and letting them drive their own outcomes, nets sweet, simple results. Here’s proof: a text that just came in from one of my coaching kids. “Had a nice talk with my mom. I’m in a good mood now.” With results like this, can you tell me this free fix isn’t worth a million bucks? Betcha you can’t.